i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
