For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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