If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
