Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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