I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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