guys are only as good as the porn they watch
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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