is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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