I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
