Swine flu. Run for my life!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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