Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
