My first STD was from a foam party
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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