will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize