dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
