After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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