normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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