Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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