ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
