I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
