i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
