WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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