Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
