Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
