i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
