Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
she smelled like a LAN party
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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