I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
