Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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