Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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