sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
well most of my day revolves around power hour
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
