Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
