the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Randomize
