why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
