God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize