he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
