I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
