you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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