as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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