the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
