i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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