think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sarcasm needs its own font
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize