life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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