I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
