how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
