Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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