You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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