who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
