my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
