Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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