it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
