When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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