WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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