My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
3pm strippers are depressing
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
