my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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