I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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