dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
