If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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