He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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