someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
