Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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