He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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