i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize