She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
