so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
