atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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