would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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