Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
