I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
