i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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