Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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