sarcasm needs its own font
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
